Stella James: Repeat Offender

Bang Buddy

Stella James

As much as my fun loving frenemies would like to believe that I am out there banging a new bearded babe every weekend the truth is it just doesn’t happen that way. I am and always will be a repeat offender. You see, I am a bit of a little freak in the sheets and it’s much easier to bang like a maniac with someone you trust.

I have one bang buddy that I go back to after every failed romance. Every girl should have one, but there are rules that you need to keep in mind when pursuing a bang buddy. Like any normal relationship there has to be proper communication. I don’t mean communicating the fact that you want his P in your V either. I am sure that can go without saying. The communication I am talking about can be a little bit harder to deal with. It’s making sure you and your BB know what your boundaries are. Chances are you guys are banging it out because you love sex but aren’t so good at being in a committed relationship. I know it’s hard but you and your BB need to make it clear where you stand. My BB and I have it down good. We know what we are and neither of us will ruin it by slapping a label on it and calling it love. Don’t get me wrong I love him; I especially love him when he is face down in vagina town. It’s just a different love. My BB and I have a friendship first. The respect from the friendship carries on into the banging and makes it that much easier to communicate. Don’t worry one night standers; I think you can turn a Random Ryan into a fabulous BB as well. Just remember the communication.

Once you have communicated to your BB that banging, not dating will be happening you are free to start the fun. Your BB should be your practice tool. You know there are things that you’ve wanted to try with your boyfriend or girlfriend but were worried they would think you were a porn obsessed freak. Bust out the baby oil and oyster shots because you guys are free to explore your deepest, dirtiest sexual desires. Your BB should be on the same sexual level as you. The main reason I have a BB is because he is great in bed. I don’t have time to weed through the good and bad bangers. I need to know that when he drops his trousers I am dealing with an anaconda not a garden snake. That’s the beauty of your BB; you can shop around a bit till you find the perfect one.

There are some cons to having a BB. The first is pretty easy to see. If you are banging a buddy you aren’t really leaving an option open to meet a boyfriend. I have no problem with this at the moment because the bearded New Yorker has taken the idea of love off the table for me yet again. If you are going to bang your buddy you have to remember just that. He is your buddy not your boyfriend. No getting jealous because he talks about how hot another girl is. She is most likely your friend and trust me he’s not doing it to get a rise out of you. He is doing it because he is a dude and they think with their cocks. If you want to be a good BB I suggest taking a page out of his book and start thinking with your vagina. Turn off the Fiona Apple, put on the new Deftones and start objectifying women and men right along with him. If you want a boyfriend to tell you are the most beautiful broad in the whole world then you are looking in the wrong place and you are not cut out for a bang buddy.

The main problem for bang buddies is thinking it is something it isn’t. Don’t fall in love, don’t try and date, but also don’t mistreat each other. You guys should be having fun and it’s never fun to get your feelings hurt. If you find yourself being mistreated you should move on. That’s the beauty of bang buddies, it’s not serious. If it gets to serious it’s time to move on. Fortunately for me my BB is perfection. I hope you single darlings can find a radical buddy to bang.

Kiss Kiss until next time babes,

Stella James

Presley Takes on the World

Single Sally vs. The World

Presley James

“The number of single people is growing everyday, making modern psychologists question the need for a serious relationship between men and women”

I’ve been sitting here thinking about why the word “single” is so scary to all of you out there in Relationshipville. It’s like we are a plague that you’re scared to catch. Well guess what, the only thing I’m going to give you and your boo is the truth.

I think those who are most scared of single Sally are all the men out there. Mostly the relationship guys; we have all lost many friends to them. When they first come around you are their best friend or their ticket to the cave of wonders. Who doesn’t want to know that their new bf can hang with the ladies. After they are in it’s like they start to get uncomfortable with the fact that they’re new love has a single bff. This is where things go bad. First they start to fix you up with every single douche bag they know. As if you didn’t have a list full of them in your little black book. Now if this doesn’t work you best believe you’ll start to see a lot less of your former friend Whorie Lori. Her man won and she is now bating on their team. You’ll be lucky to get a ladies night once a month. What is it about “ladies night” that is so intimidating? Let me tell you just because we are single doesn’t mean we are bringing our coupled up girlfriends out to hit on men. There’s already enough competition out there. I will be the first person to throw that bitch under the bus with a quick “you should probably call your boyfriend and check in” while the new meat are introducing themselves. So men don’t be scared that we are going to bring your ladies back over to the dark side. We are happy that she is happy and ecstatic that she is no longer our competition.

Now to the former friend, we are not jealous of your newfound love, but extremely happy for you as long as you can still hold a conversation with us without dry humping your new boyfriend in the middle of the bar. Dry humping at the bar should be reserved for blackout states and 21 year olds. I was not always a single. I was once in your ballet flats, married with children and if I didn’t have my single friends to live vicariously through I don’t think I would have made it 7 years. So don’t be upset I traded in my keds for stilettos. You know what else I’m sick of, the pity look I get every time I say I’m single. If people aren’t scared or threatened by you then most likely they pity you. I mean how could a girl my age be happy and single; don’t you want to find Mr. Right? The answer is no, I want to find Mr. Right now. I’m so sick of men being painted out to be these handsome bachelors and women are seen as old sphincters begging to get married. It’s not even women who prefer to be in a relationship, its men. There are many studies about this topic and all coming to the conclusion that men are most unhappy when single. I’m not saying that I don’t want to find my very own Romeo, just that I can be happy without him too. Welcome to 2010 where women can bang like men and walk around on their Louboutin’s with their heads held high. With that being said, can you please cut Single Sally some slack, we’re not that bad. Thanks for listening world!

Love,

Presley xoxo

Stella Fakes It

I'm a Fake

Stella James

I know it has been awhile since I have written anything, but I have been in such a weird funk. As you know my bearded friend moved to NYC and I think he took my will to think, talk, and yes even write about banging or love. Every night since he has been gone I come to my bedroom, grab my laptop, and then stare at the blank word document in front of me. I have decided to do what a lot of women do and fake it tonight. Tonight I am going to put my wounded heart to the side and fake a little sexy time writing about orgasms for you darlings. Dudes, this one is special for you because I am going to let out all the secrets! After reading this you will know when you are banging a faker.

Like any peson trying to fake being a good writer the first thing I did was research. Since my bearded New Yorker has come and gone I was forced to do research on my own. Well not exactly on my own, my new boyfriend Buzz Brookstone was a big help. I thought before informing you on the difference between an O face and a yawn I should explain how an orgasm feels for us ladies. Let me start by saying this was such an interesting way to go into buzzing it out. Instead of putting on porno I decided to buzz it to my imagination. I usually go straight for the porno so I can buzz it and be done with it, but this was not a race. This was research. I am not going to go into the details of the buzzing material, *cough bearded New Yorker, but I will tell you that I was very aware of every feeling in my body leading up to one of the best orgasms Buzz and I have ever had together. There is so much build up to the female orgasm and those final moments before cumming are all too amazing. It’s like little cheerleading O’s routing your star quarterback O until he scores a touchdown. I’m not sure if this is common in all ladies but a lot of my orgasms last well after buzzing, licking, or penetrating as ceased. It’s almost like I force myself to basque in the glory of it. It really is quite a beautiful feeling.

Alright dudes, now you have an idea of how glorious an orgasm can feel for us and since MOST ladies in the world don’t ejaculate all over you as an indication that they finished, I am going to give you a few hints to help you know when your babe is faking it.

There are a few types of fakers in the world of O’s.

The Screamer

Just because she is screaming doesn’t mean she is faking. Some women are just loud. I am one of them. The ladies I am talking about start screaming in ecstasy upon two seconds of penetration. Most likely you are someone she has slept with before and she knows there isn’t going to be a magical finish for her. These broads come from a very nurturing place, one that I may never understand. Instead of telling you to get lost, she will try and salvage a horrible sex life for the promise of a beautiful love life. She screams upon the first second of penetration because she wants to help you finish faster. The faster you finish the faster she can project her feelings of the future on to you. She doesn’t mind not finishing if you don’t mind spooning her for hours on end. Not my cup of tea, but to each their own right?

The Acrobat

This babe is constantly switching positions. She likes it from the front, back, side, you name it she’s doing it. I have news for you, it’s not because she thinks she is auditioning for Zumanity in Vegas. She knows your technique isn’t cutting it and she is trying to take matters into her own hands. This can be tricky because sometimes she might find a position that takes her to the promise land and then you have nothing to worry about. I would suggest worrying if after trying every position she settles with something that doesn’t involve eye contact. No eye contact usually means there is no finish. You guys need to remember that eye contact with your partner is crucial. I don’t care what position I am in you better believe that when I'm cumming I am making eye contact at some point. It’s just as important as spanking, spiting, and choking in my book. I don’t mind this type of faker. At least you are both trying, sometimes people just aren’t meant to bang each other.

The Dead Fish

This broad may have issues of her own and may just be bad in bed. She is the worst faker in my eyes and should do us all a favor and quit the sex. She lays on her back or stomach for the entire duration of your fornication. Then right towards the end she busts out the dirty talk. I hate to say it but it’s not because you brought this one back to life. It’s because she isn’t going to finish and wants to roll over like the lazy walrus she is and go to sleep. I have a problem with this type of broad because I think achieving an orgasm should be a partnership. You can’t count on just one person to take you to funky town. You need to get in there and handle your business. Don’t let her slink out of her end of the deal. She knows what gets her off and if you need a little re-direction she should give it to you. My number one goal when banging is to achieve an orgasm and I will do anything in my power to do so. There is no faking in my bed, either you’re getting it or you’re not. Either way, I will be sure to let you know.

I hope I haven’t discouraged you handsome boys, you should know there are exceptions to every rule. If your girl is flushed and screaming that she is cummng believe her and kudos to you for getting after that! If her orgasm seems a little too staged, it’s probably because it is, you know the difference. Try not to over think it, it’s just banging. With that being said, I think I will return to my sad sexless life. It has been fun faking sexy time writing with you darlings, till next time.

Kiss Kiss,

Sex Free Stella :(

Stella Talks Sex Addiction

Hi, my name is Stella James…

Stella James

Is it just me or is everyone sick of celebs cheating on their spouses and then claiming sex addiction? What determines sex addiction and who is to say every Tom, Dick, and Harry isn’t addicted? Am I addicted? I mean I think about sex a lot, probably more then the average babe. I have decided to explore the subject further.

First off I know that sex addiction is a genuine disease and even has a 12 step treatment program. I went to a sex addiction website because I was certain that like all 12 step programs there would be some sort of assessment to decide if I need treatment. I was right and to no surprise my answers indicated that sex addiction is present. Unfortunately I don’t do well with 12 step programs. Mostly because according to those damn 12 steps I always fail! I am an alcoholic, sex addict, bi-polar, bulimic, with a depression problem. Good news is there is a 12 stepper for each of my vices. The only problem is I am happy with my vices. I will be the first to tell you that sex and whiskey are two of my favorite things in this world. As for the other ones, well if you can’t tell I’m joking then you need to lighten up and there should be a 12 step program to help you get your sense of humor back. Besides this isn’t about me finger banging my throat this is about me being addicted to sex. Like any other sensible addict I decided to dissect my addiction further and according to a website that will go un-named there are six behaviors I engage in that make me a sex addict.

Compulsive Masturbation:

Really? First of all it’s not called masturbation it’s called buzzing it out. Why does this make me an addict? I think this makes me sane! If I didn’t get to buzz it out at least twice a day I would be a complete bitch and no one would want to be around me. I buzz it out as a public service not because I am addicted to sex.

Phone or Computer Sex:

I don’t know who the boring prude is who said this was the behavior of a sex addict but get real! Clearly they have never had a boyfriend who tours or lives in another state. I’m not saying I partake in internet, phone, or text banging all the time but for Christ’s sake my bearded babe is moving halfway across the country and I didn’t just buy this web cam for nothing. Save your text sex public service announcements for the teenie boppers and get off my case.

Exhibitionism

Who doesn’t like to be naked in public? I had a friend who flashed her boobs in high school to every Del Taco drive thru attendant in Orange County. Not only did she get us free food every weekend but she always seemed like she was having fun! Plus she has gone on to have a normal happy relationship. Sex addicts don’t have those remember.

Multiple or Anonymous Sexual Partners

First of all if you live in my town there is no such thing as anonymous sexual partners and they always come in multiples. I see nothing wrong with spreading your seed as long as your seed is wrapped up in a size XL Magnum condom. When you are single you have to kiss a lot of frogs, if you are safe about it go for it. I prefer to stick to one bang at a time because we all know sex only gets better with time, but I understand that we all have needs and sometimes you have to go out there and fulfill them. I don’t think this makes me an addict I think this makes me realistic. This might be coming off harsh so you should know that I am not advocating cheating. I am talking to the single Sally’s and Sam’s out there. They should be aloud to safely bang as many people as they want without judgment. You in a relationship folks stick to each other. If one of you is cheating then there is probably something wrong in the relationship and you should just move on.

Sexual Harassment

This just made me laugh. Nothing makes me happier than sexual harassing boys. It kills time and it’s just fun. If you don’t think so then cast your stones at me.

Consistent Use of Porn

I don’t trust people that don’t watch porno flicks. Grow some balls and get loose. Porno is wonderful and I love it for so many reasons. For one it signs my checks and no one should ever bite the hand that feeds them. Plus without it to teach me some wonderful tricks I wouldn’t be the jezebel that I am today. I am so sick of people thinking porno is a bad thing. There is so much porno out there I am certain there is something for everyone! It’s not like I am at home watching double anal double vag gang bangs, but if you are then more power to you. It’s just lame when people judge or trash porno before giving it a shot. Porn is perfect, get into it.

Now I know that all of the behaviors above can be taken to an extreme and can be a problem for some people. As for me, I just don’t buy it. I love sex, so much in fact that I write about it on a daily basis, but in no way does it affect my life in a negative way. I mean I’ve got it under control guys. As a matter of fact, I have only buzzed it out once today and it wasn’t even to porno so get off my case. All jokes aside, I am sure sex addiction can be a huge problem and ruin lives, because of that I have included some websites that can help. While I was doing research I came across a lot of bogus sites, if you are looking for help be careful not to stumble into anything that involves a shit ton of money. You should also probably stay away from this site. With that being said, have a great day darlings!

Kisses,

Stella in Denial

http://www.sexaa.org/

Stella Relates to Bukowski

"Love is a hog that burns at the first light of reality” –Charles Bukowski

Alright ladies and gents, I have decided I am cursed, doomed to spend my days and nights alone with my buzzer. It has happened again. I have the world’s biggest crush on a beard and he is leaving. Here lies the curse, is every beard I find myself falling for going to be unattainable?

For the past couple of months I have been spending a lot of my time with one special bearded babe. He is brilliant, funny, and right away I felt comfortable with him. Every moment I spend with him makes my heartbeat fast and it’s nice to know that I can still feel that way. He scares me and for good reason. Just as I feel like I can let go and just be with someone for awhile he informs me that he will be moving 2800 miles away. I am pretending not to have invested as much as I have and I am trying to tell myself that I will be ok. Truth is it’s killing me, so much in fact that I threw myself into a four day whiskey binge. I’m not sure what hurts more that he is leaving or that I kind of expected something like this to happen. You see for me relationships don’t come easy. My love stories are not those of Nicholas Sparks, there are no grand gestures. My love stories read like a Bukowski poem; a lot of heartache, whiskey, and loss. I wish just for once there would be something that makes me think all of this is worth it. A little glimmer of hope that it will be ok and one day there will be a beard that stays.

So the lovesick routine starts again; Time to build these walls with a thicker stone, play Ryan Adams really loud, and give up on beards. I need to clear my head of unrealistic expectations. I would like to believe in the grand gesture and that one day I will meet someone who will surprise me. Unfortunately in my experience the grand gesture is often replaced with a grand let down and I just don’t have enough heart to go through it again. The good news is my buzzer, books, porno, and comics will be getting a lot of attention in the upcoming months! I know they have missed me. Tomorrow we talk sexual! I have been researching sex addiction for you beautiful darlings and I think you will be very interested in my findings!

Lots of Love and Kisses,

Stella James the Heartbreak Kid

Stella and Presley talk Young Boys

Twenty One

Stella James and Presley James

Being a single 25 year old broad in a 21 year old dude’s world can be a lot of fun. It can also be a big fucking hassle. Presley and I have decided to weigh the pros and cons of single 21 year old boys. Are they a gift or a curse to the single ladies of the world?

(+) Pro: They make out like maniacs.

S: May I just say, I love making out with twenty-one year old boys. Mostly because I am a whiskey fed monster and want to make out in public. They have no problem sucking face at the bar. Presley, you’re no stranger to sucking face in or on the bar, don’t you think this a definite Pro?

P: Pro all the way. I would actually like to thank all the random 21 year olds I swapped spit with. If it weren’t for them I would have never made it through my first single summer.

(+) Pro: They look like Greek Gods.

P: I don’t know what it is about the 21 year old boys these days but did the always look like this? It’s like they haven’t been able to get into bars long enough to be carrying around a keg where their six pack should be. Imagine what 21 year olds look like in Greece… My vagina tingles

S: Oh wow new life goal travel to Greece and bang all the local 21year old boys. This is a tricky pro though. I have recently come to find out that just because he looks like Eros doesn’t mean he is going to bang like Eros.

(-) Con: They don’t know what they are around for.

S: There is nothing that bothers me more than a 21 year old who doesn’t know his purpose. I mean let’s not pretend this is something it isn’t. It’s really cute when they are surprised that I don’t want to hang out with them outside of the bar. It’s kind of adorable. Silly little boys.

P: This is true. It’s like they have never heard the term boy toy. It reminds me of my first 21 year old, he would ask me to go to the movies and family BBQ’s. Hello I’m not trying to be your girlfriend, I just wanna take advantage of your youth. This is a major con.

(+)Pro: They always go down.
S: Speaking of purpose in life! I love how eager they are to head down south. Get after it you little stallion! Those young boys are so eager to please and I love them for it.

P: Not only do they always go down but they aren’t afraid to be instructed on how to do so. It’s as if your vagina is the fountain of youth and they have to get all they can now.

(-) Con: They call too much

S: I guess this is my own fault for giving my number out. I need to stop doing that. A major con is that 21 year old boys don’t know how to play the game. Please don’t call me four times a day and not leave a message. I have caller ID and it just creeps me out to see your number that many times in a day. How about this, just wait for me to call you?

P: I know that your high school girlfriend thought that you two would be together forever and didn’t mind that you called her over and over again but your playing  with the big boys now. I will call you and most likely it will be at 2 am so just wait!

(+) Pro: They like Lil Wayne

P: Stella all I have to say is our black rapper party will be full of 21 year olds. Not only do they like lil Wayne but they will probably rap the words to you while your shaking your ass on the dance floor

S: Heck yes, mindless rap makes me want to shake it. I can always count on the young ones to not give a shit about music, art, or literature. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of the above but sometimes I just want to be drunk and pretend I am at the BET Awards.

(-) They Sell Drugs
S: They all sell drugs and I just can’t get down with that. I mean really, I had no idea that asking you if you wanted ketchup with your small fries really meant can you hook up a gram of pot. Obviously you can tell I am clueless to this lingo because I still call it “Pot”
P: You’re not an entreprenuer just because you learned how to grow some new hydro shit in your parent’s basement. Grow up and get a real job and by that I don’t mean as a server at El Ranchito.



So there you have it, a little pros and cons list. Presley and I will almost always look past the cons to make out with the magical creature that is the 21-year-old male. Watch out babes, we are coming for you.



Kiss Kiss Darlings,

Stella and Presley

Presley Talks Hard

Talk Hard


Presley James



Let’s talk dirty, when it is appropriate to talk and when you should just stick a dick in it. Let’s be honest if you’re a fan of sex your probably a fan of talking about it in the right situation. I myself am fan of two kinds of talking in the bedroom the dirty kind and safe words.



Talking about the deed before it’s done can be a great way to get into it. I am all for telling you where to stick your disco stick and how I want you to do it (way up where my ribs at). I don’t even mind a little Q&A but guys the quickest way to shut the doors at the Pink Taco is to be insecure. If you can’t talk the talk don’t try. A few things that are inappropriate to say in the sack: Number one asking about the size of your Johnson when your still inside me is ok once but if you are going to ask me five times to tell you that your dick is like a rocket that’s going to take me to space, it’s going to start to feel a little played out. If I want to compliment your member I will. If you keep asking I’m going to tell you the truth and it probably won’t be what you want to hear. Number two don’t compare me to the last broad you banged, it’s not that I care that your banging other girls but it takes the attention away from me and no girl likes this.



Ladies a few things that are off limits for us to say; well actually there isn’t much at all. He is just happy to be putting his P into your V and if he doesn’t like what you have to say he may ask to gag you or just start with a little choke. Which brings me to our next topic. SAFE WORDS! I am a huge fan of safe words. If you are in a relationship you and your Joe can come up with this together. I have heard of everything from hash browns to red. Food type words seem to be very popular in safe words these days. Now if you are a fan of bringing food substances such as whip cream or syrup into the mix then folks do not pick a food word. Colors as well can be very confusing. Red could mean you just lost your V card or that aunt flow just came to town. I personally think your safe word should be something you can say while short of breath. So give yourself some good hand to throat action and see if you can even spit out blueberry pancakes. After testing out many safe words with myself, I brought them into the bedroom. With a little trial and error I ended with Phil as my word. It is easy to say when in very uncomfortable positions and it rolls right off the tongue while being choked. Not to mention it’s usually a red flag when banging a guy named Tom. I don’t care who you are if someone calls out another mans name while knockin the boots it’s going to create some attention.



So there you have it, my thoughts on safe words! Good luck kids, talk hard!





-Presley James

Stella Talks Oral

Oral Presentation

Stella James

Get the gasps out of the way. Yes I am woman and yes I want to talk about going down on folks. If you can’t deal with it then I suggest leaving this page and never coming back. Oral sex is the most beautiful sacred birth control on gods green earth and if you can’t get into it I can’t get into you.

Let’s start with blowies. I love giving blowies almost as much as I love the bearded men that are lucky enough to receive them. I haven’t always loved them. There was a time when I didn’t know the power of a good blowie. There is nothing hotter than having that much control and watching a man squirm in ecstasy. Most women I have talked to aren’t necessarily opposed to giving blowies but more concerned with whether or not they are actually good at it. I am here to tell you if you think you are bad at it you probably are, but I can help. First off stop being so insecure, a great blowie starts with confidence. Don’t let the dick intimidate you because in a minute you are going to own that bitch. With that being said it is important to remember that like with any craft you need to practice. Next remember this is fun and freaking hot, get horny and get into. From what I have heard there is nothing worst then getting a blowie from a girl who isn’t into it. It’s also important to be attentive to your lover’s special fellatio needs and wants. Some guys like a lot of spit others like you to use your hands more. I have noticed that all of my lovers like to watch. Dudes are visual creatures so don’t be afraid to make eye contact or break out the mirrors. For me those are the main elements to make giving blowies so much fun. The rest is all saliva, hands, and balls. Don’t freak out because I brought up balls. Balls can be your best friend when you need to break from sucking and deep throating. Lock jaw is no one’s friend so take a break and head over to Ball Town, USA population your mouth. The balls can also help your long hauler finish up a little faster. Since we are on the topic of finishing please ladies stop being a prude and swallow. It makes for easier clean up and with the right person can be amazing. So there you go ladies, all I know about the fine art of fellatio.

Cuntalingus is more of a mystery to me. I will say that up until recent weeks I have not been interested in receiving an oral fix. It has become a new obsession though. There is something about a dude with a beard head first in between my legs that is just perfect. I am still learning what I like and dislike about getting head. Switching up positions and a little finger action has proved to be very valuable so far. Presley is more of the expert on getting head; I have always been more of a giver. I can tell you that it is my new goal in life to figure out all the ins and outs of receiving. Pun intended. With that being said, I hope you all have a wonderful night full of proper oral presentation.

Kiss Kiss Darlings,

Stella

Stella James

Every Three Days

Stella James

Can I just say that I hate dating? I am 100% certain I hate it because I am so bad at it. There is no real middle ground with me. I am either committed or banging you and any other beard that comes my way. Let me re-phrase that, safely banging you and any other beard that comes my way. There are so many rules that apply to dating. Call after four days, but text after two. Only hangout every three days, but you can hangout for two consecutive days after you wait that initial three days. Never write on his Facestalk wall, but you can “like” his status updates.

I mean really who remembers all this shit. It’s like information overload and in the end just freaks me out. I am no good at playing games with the beards I date. There has been one beard that I have been interested in since Koenig. He is fucking kick ass and passed my very strict checklist:

1. Beard

2. Tall

3. Funny

4. Smart

5. Well Endowed

Seems like an easy enough checklists to pass; turns out it’s not for most of the tool bags I run into. Anyway he has all five attributes that make a man a man in my eyes. Minus a few whiskey slips on my part we have a pretty good time together. Here is where things get weird for me. Am I supposed to give up my sideliners now? I have no need to label myself his girlfriend, I am content with hanging out and seeing what happens. It’s just that sometimes I question his loyalty. Lord knows I don’t want to be at home alone on a Monday night because he hasn’t called. Sure I think he is working but in all actuality he could be out banging some other girl. I should have the same rights. I mean what we don’t know won’t hurt us right? The thing is that I have grown a little attached to this beard and I don’t even enjoy flirting with let alone banging other beards. This asshole tricked me into liking him and now I want to know where we stand. Is there a non-needy way to say, “Should we just bang each other?” I don’t think there is. So now I will just sit here wondering what to do; Fucking dating man. The good news is I am in the Valley this week so I can be distracted by porn and work.

Kiss Kiss Darlings,

Stella Confucius James

Ask Alektra

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Stella James

Buzz Bank
Stella James


Contrary to popular belief I am not banging a new bearded babe every other day. There are times when I go on long stretches without a ride to pleasure town. During these times I like to buzz it out to varieties of titillating visuals. I am not one to hide life’s pleasures from the rest of the world. With that being said I would like to share my list of buzz worthy material. Five hardcore porn flicks and five mainstream flicks that get my motor running.


Stella’s Buzz Picks:

1. Fear: I have been buzzing it out to this movie since 1996. There is something about getting finger banged on a roller coaster by Marky Mark that screams buzz worthy. I was a horny little teenager and when Mark Wahlberg carved Nicole 4-eva on his chest I was sold. As you can tell from a young age I was attracted to a roughneck type of dude. Some things never change.
2. Brad Armstrong’s Flashpoint: This is the first porn I was lucky enough to get my hands on. My high school boyfriend had it and one day after school he put it on as a joke of course. The joke was on him because by the end of the dream scene between Jenna and T.T. Boy I was ripping his clothes off. I still get vagina tingles from the fire and A+ banging. This scene has forever been saved in my spank bank.
3. Jarhead: Jake Gyllenhaal fucking his girlfriend against a wall? Holy buzz heaven. You should probably know that Jake can do no wrong in my eyes and I love him so much that I could probably buzz it out to him getting banged by Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. Judge me.
4. Mike Quasar’s Dreamgirlz: Two words ladies, Manuel Ferrara. I mean really if he doesn’t get your vagina tingling then something might be broken down there. That French stallion gets so much buzzing action from me that I should pay him. It is impossible not to get completely excited when he is banging Carmen Luvana. I mean she really looks like she is enjoying herself. Lucky bitch.
5. Showgirls: God Bless Elizabeth Berkley’s sluttish ass. When she gives Trey from Sex and the City a happy ending lap dance in front of Gina Gershon I immediately grab my buzzer. The wild pool scene isn’t half bad either. I mean sure it’s a little cheesy and over the top but it usually gets me half way excited and I have enough imagination to finish the job.
6. TMSleaze: Not typically a fan of parody porn but the hot pieces of ass that directed this are buzz worthy enough to give it a go. Plus James Deen’s sexy Jewish ass is in it and we all know how I love them Jewish boys. His scene with Brynn Tyler is by far the best. Dudes you should all take a page out of Mr. Deen’s book. Ladies you will not be disappointed with his work, but your buzzer may need a break.
7. Californication: Hank Moody, get in my mouth. Writers are just hot and Hank is no exception! There is something about David Duchovny’s chain smoking, whiskey drinking, dirty talking character that gets me in the mood to do very bad things.
8. Pirates: I was worried that the good sexing would be lost in the million dollar budget. I was very wrong. I’m all about the lesy scene with Janine and Jesse. I mean really with the candles? Hello Buzz Lightyear!
9. True Romance: I put this little gem on when I want to get romantic with myself. I don’t typically like to mix romance with buzzing but sometimes it gives a nice balance. Typically the buzzer comes out when Clarence and Alabama are in the comic shop. The sex scene to follow makes my vagina tingle and my heart melt. The lighting, the tunes, and Patricia Arquette’s tongue on Christian Slater’s chest it’s just what the doctor ordered. Thank you Quentin Taranitino for writing such a buzz worthy scene.
10. Andrew Blake’s Voyer: I’m pretty obsessed with Andrew Blake’s work. Usually I stick to gonzo but there is something incredibly beautiful about this film. Plus all the ladies in it are so magically insane that there is no way I could get through it with out a little visit from my friend buzz. Good Game Mr. Blake, good game!


There you have it darlings, a small list of buzztastic films to keep you busy in your down time. Feel free to send your list my way. It’s always nice to broaden the buzz bank!


Kiss Kiss Darlings,
Stella

Presley James

Relationship Guy
Presley James


Alright all of you ladies dying to join Relationshipville, I’m here to tell you how to find your very own Baby Boo but I’m warning you that you can’t have the best of both worlds. There are two kinds of guys in the world. Yep that’s it just two, the Womb Beaters and the Little Pickles. Let’s start with God’s gift and curse to women the womb beaters.
These guys are usually average looking Joes with egos the size of an Olympic size swimming pool. Rightfully so because average Joe has a baby’s arm in between his thighs! He most likely will make you hate him with his cocky attitude. You know Joe, he’s checking out the chick in pasties while talking to you about politics. What a prick! Yet there is still something about Joe that will make you want him to take you in the men’s room and throw you up against the wall. Why is this, because no matter how much we say size doesn’t matter we all want to know how it feels to have a womb beater shoved up our hot pocket.
Now there are few things that you should know about these Joes and their womb beaters. Number one, they are only concerned about themselves. Don’t expect them to be eating at the Y, it’s not their style. This doesn’t mean you won’t be pleased but only when and how wishes. Number two, if you play hard to get he will show someone else what it feels like to have a womb beater. Start kicking yourself because the women that know what he’s packing will be in line to get a piece of that. Number three, they DON’T do relationships. I know what you’re thinking, “but he calls me all the time at 2 am and wants to hangout.” Regular booty calls are not a relationship! Think about the way that you felt about the last person you called at 3am; would you ever be caught dead in a relationship with him?
Moving on to what your all longing to have, the relationship guy, or as I like to call him “lil pickle”. This guy is probably good looking yet a little intimidated or nervous around you. Well I hate to break it to you but it’s not because you are his version of Heidi Klum. He knows that there is a chance that someday you will find out his big secret or in his case little secret. The sad fact is that his stiffy looks more like a cocktail wiener than a jumbo dog. Some things you will find out about your relationship guy; Number One, he will do just about anything to make your toes curl and call him daddy. Number two, most likely this guy is going to be insecure about more than just his lil pickle, so watch out! Number three, you will be wearing the pants in this relationship and your balls will probably be bigger than his. So if the “relationship guy” sounds like what you’re looking for then invest in some penis extenders and vibrators and go find your very own lil pickle. While you are doing that…

I’ll be out looking for the next Big thing.
Presley James

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Thanks dudes and dudettes, who loves ya baby!