FRAUD

Stella James

I am such a fraud. What kind of shitty sex blogger doesn’t have sex to blog about? I am so disappointed in myself for not getting laid in well over three months and letting you guys down. I had to sit down and ask myself why the sex has left my life. Did I suddenly become unattractive? Have I lost my ability to charm the boys into bed? I mean what the heck?

I started thinking about my last sexual encounter and then it all came back to me. Sex didn’t give up on me, I gave up on sex. I would rather have no sex than bad sex and unfortunately the bad has seemed to outweigh the good this year.

Way back when I was fresh out of the old breakup I was drinking whiskey and a lot of it. I was out tearing up the town with my lady friends. Dancing, drinking, and flirting with bros. I mean c’mon don’t act like you all haven’t been there, it’s Huntington Beach for crying out loud. After 4 hours of bad binge drinking I ended up at a “friends” house with a dude that I wanted to bang since the 10th grade. He’s always been flirtatious and seemed like he would be a fun lay. So there we are taking shots and dancing in the living room like we were at a Crue concert. He was definitely too fast for love and I was drunk enough at this point to “accidently” swoop in for a kiss. I shouldn’t even say kiss. To say kiss would imply it was sweet and soft and that my friends it was not. It was sloppy and probably tasted like Jameson. Either way he was game and it wasn’t too long before we were in a bedroom kicking shoes off and tripping over each other’s feet. It starts to get a little hazy at this point there was some mediocre vagina licking on his end and then the final straw. I reach my hand down and to my disappointment I feel the smallest, limpest, most horrible penis in the world. I have never had the opportunity to see Gollum’s penis because New Sensations has yet to make a Lord of the Rings parody porno, but I imagine it would be something like that. Not quite sure if “10th grade crush” could sense my disappointment but he immediately spoke up with this lovely line, “Sorry it’s so limp, I did a line before you got here, I can just go down on you again.” This would be about the time when I laughed, swiftly put on my clothes, and proceeded to call a cab. After I got home and told my horrific tale to my friends, who opted to eat Del Taco and watch the Notebook instead of the “afterhours” party, I immediately took a shower to wash the 10th grade shame off my body. If only I could wash the memory out of my mind, unfortunately I am stuck with it forever. This memory haunts my mind every time I think about sexing up a good looking dude and because of it I’m forced to head to Target every 2 weeks for double a batteries. I’m sure my vibrator would like a break and I KNOW my vagina would actually like to feel a real penis but the fear of another Gollum dick has pushed me into celibacy. Like I said no sex is better than bad sex. Am I right or am I right?

That’s all for now interwebbers.

Kiss Kiss,

Scared Stella James

Stella's Single Birthday

Single Birthday

Stella James

Well kids, I hate to disappoint you but I’m not here to write about blowies or handies. I have been sex free for over a month now. A very long masturbation filled month. Why the sudden urge to pull a page out of Morrisey’s book and become a celibate freak? It’s pretty simple really, I’m tired of banging beards that I don’t care about.

I have been single for a year this month. In this year my ex (I am no longer allowed to use his name) has fallen in love, shacked up, and (the final kick in the heart) asked his girlfriend to marry him. In the mean time I have exchanged meaningless text messages with band dudes, slept with one of his friends, and had one semi relationship with a beard that moved right when I fell for him. On paper it looks as though the ex has won this breakup.

I should let everyone know this is not some rant about how fucked up my ex boyfriend is. I’m not exactly his biggest fan at the moment, but in no way is this about him. This is my journey not his. We were not meant to be and I’m shocked that we stayed together as long as we did. I whole heartedly believe he is with the person he is supposed to be with. I have grown a lot since our breakup and with growth mistakes are inevitable. No one is perfect and I’ve dealt with this break up the best way I knew how to. There were lots of tears, lots of whiskey, lots of dudes. I have been judged and even lost some friends. At the same time, I’m more aware of what I want in life. I’m more confident than I have ever been and even though there are lonely times I am content with being a single broad. I have stopped masking my hurt with booze and beards and started holding myself accountable for the things I need to change. I’ve hurt some people as well as myself this past year and though I can’t change it I do own up to it. I’ve learned that not everyone can be pleased and in order to keep sane I just need to do what is right for me. At this moment that mean putting the whiskey down, saying goodbye to my bang buddies, and moving on from negative Nancy’s. Everything I do is for me and I don’t expect anyone but me to understand it.

Thank you for reading the rant. We started this blog to talk about relationships and banging and even though I am sans both at the moment I promise to keep it interesting. I mean these porn broads I run around with have enough material to keep me writing for months!

Love to all,

Stella “is back” James

Stella's Toy Chest

Stella's Toy Chest
Stella James

Warning, I will be talking about dildos and lube. If you are one of the broads I went to high school with that reads this blog to judge my single life feel free to fuck off and leave now. The rest of you lovely people please continue reading.

Ok remember when I said the very beautiful Lucy Vonne was going to give me some goodies to review. Well, she has and here is the first review.

Product: Evolved Roulette “Bet On Black”

Price: I have no idea but worth it

When Lucy Vonne’s wonderful package arrived at my house I was happier than Mischa Barton at an all you can eat buffet. The first thing I did was rifle through the box till I came across a beautifully packaged phallic dream. Black and red, swirled and soft: It’s “Bet on Black” from Evolved’s roulette series and my new best friend. Since deciding to only bang people that can hold my interest longer than one night (look for blog soon) I have been on a bit of drought. Vibrators, dildos, and shower heads have become my only chance of orgasm and I’m not mad about it. After inspecting my new friend, I quickly ran to my bedroom and put on a vintage Jenna J and Justin Sterling scene. I’m not sure if I was overly excited due to the idea of a new toy or if the JJ scene was too hot to handle but I finished I about 3 and ½ minuets. Either “Bet on Black” is my new god or I have just been penis free for too long now. Possibly a little of both, either way I needed to give it another run to write a proper review. It was the only professional way to go about this and I take my work very seriously.

2nd attempt

The 2nd attempt came a few hours later. I knew it would take longer to finish since I had already buzzed it out. I also went at it sans smut. “Bet on Black” aka BOB was really going to have to work for it now. During my 2nd go at it I realized how wonderful the size and touch of BOB was. Just under 8 inches and the perfect amount of girth. I hate huge horse size dildos, I mean really who wants to feel like a Tijuana hooker at a donkey show? Not this broad. BOB is made of waterproof silicone. He is soft and flexible. This was my first go at a silicone dildo and I never plan to slum it again with plastic. I have moved up in the world and so has my toy taste. The finish BOB provided was glorious, clocking in a buzz time of 12 minuets. Perfect timing for someone who wants to buzz it out quickly before a date or maybe on a lunch break. Thank you BOB, and thank you Vincent Gallo for being good looking and somewhat dirty in my thoughts, you both get 5 stars.

Did you guys catch the word “waterproof” above? Oh yeah you did, this leads us to a third attempt.

3rd attempt

The 3rd attempt came (lame pun intended) the following morning. I have never had a waterproof buzzer so I was very eager to get BOB in the shower. My shower is perfect for sexual activities but has seen very little action and though BOB was not the real thing he will do the trick for now. The next 36 minuets were some of the best minuets in my buzzing life. I am not sure if it was BOB’s multi speeds or the hot water steaming up my entire bathroom but Jesus Joeseph and Mary it was a good time. So good in fact that I decided to leave BOB in the shower for future pleasure. This idea was quickly shot down when I went to take a shower after the cleaning ladies left and BOB was organized in order by size with my toiletries. The things those women see in this house, I mean really!

I will not bore you with the details of my 4th and 5th attempts with BOB, just know they were great and I’m strongly advocating the purchase of this toy. Your vagina will thank you. Boys buy it for your girls and play together. Just go buy it people, it gets the Stella James seal of approval.

Next week in Stella’s toy chest review is Lube. Lots of JO Systems lube. Stay tuned darlings.

Kiss Kiss,

Stella “addicted to toy sex” James

Stella Talks Sadomasochism

Stella You Sadist
Stella James

 

Sadomasochism is viewed as a psychosexual disorder in which erotic release is achieved through having pain inflicted on oneself. May I just say yes please?!?

 

I was once shy to discuss this subject. I mean c’mon getting slapped around a little during banging seems intense and can be awkward to talk about. It can be even more awkward to ask for it, but that is why Jesus invented tequila. So since a “friend” of mine has decided to put my sexual desires on blast I have decided to come clean with my sadist nature.

Biting, hair pulling, slapping, choking, you name it I want it. I love the pain with the pleasure. Don’t get me wrong, I like vanilla banging too. It doesn’t always have to be dirty talk and chains. I’m ok with sweet kisses and slow passionate love making, especially with someone I love. That being said, there are also times when I want to get rough, and the bruises left on my body after a weekend of Sado joys are like a trophy. Twisted I know, but when I see a bruise on my thigh or shoulder from a bite I get turned on all over again. I used to feel bad and even ashamed for my dirty little sadist mind. What kind of girl likes this sort of thing? As the years go by, I become more comfortable with my sexual desires and I realize I’m lucky to have enough confidence to express myself. Some people live their whole lives being stuck in a little bubble, never getting to act on their desires because they’re scared of what people will think. I’m here to tell you that I don’t really care what you think. I’m not going around gagged and bound in your house and what I do in my bedroom should have no affect on your life. It’s shocking to me that society has labeled this as a psychosexual disorder. Calling it a “disorder” gives such negative conception to something that feels natural and normal to some. I’m no extremist, my life isn’t a Max Hardcore film, but if you are into that sort of thing you won’t get any judgment here. If you feel safe with your partner and want to be a little rough more power to you. Don’t let the man make you feel bad for expressing yourself, embrace your sadomasochistic ways. People have been unleashing their wildest fantasies since the 1800’s, we shouldn’t hold back now just because it is looked down upon by main stream media. I didn’t make these rules and I don’t really care about breaking them. I refuse to live in a narrow minded world of dull sexual sensitivity. I have no regrets or shame in my game and you shouldn’t either. Grab the whips and satin restraints and get some darlings!

 

Kiss Kiss,
Stella Sadist James

Stella's Toy Chest

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Stella James: Repeat Offender

Bang Buddy

Stella James

As much as my fun loving frenemies would like to believe that I am out there banging a new bearded babe every weekend the truth is it just doesn’t happen that way. I am and always will be a repeat offender. You see, I am a bit of a little freak in the sheets and it’s much easier to bang like a maniac with someone you trust.

I have one bang buddy that I go back to after every failed romance. Every girl should have one, but there are rules that you need to keep in mind when pursuing a bang buddy. Like any normal relationship there has to be proper communication. I don’t mean communicating the fact that you want his P in your V either. I am sure that can go without saying. The communication I am talking about can be a little bit harder to deal with. It’s making sure you and your BB know what your boundaries are. Chances are you guys are banging it out because you love sex but aren’t so good at being in a committed relationship. I know it’s hard but you and your BB need to make it clear where you stand. My BB and I have it down good. We know what we are and neither of us will ruin it by slapping a label on it and calling it love. Don’t get me wrong I love him; I especially love him when he is face down in vagina town. It’s just a different love. My BB and I have a friendship first. The respect from the friendship carries on into the banging and makes it that much easier to communicate. Don’t worry one night standers; I think you can turn a Random Ryan into a fabulous BB as well. Just remember the communication.

Once you have communicated to your BB that banging, not dating will be happening you are free to start the fun. Your BB should be your practice tool. You know there are things that you’ve wanted to try with your boyfriend or girlfriend but were worried they would think you were a porn obsessed freak. Bust out the baby oil and oyster shots because you guys are free to explore your deepest, dirtiest sexual desires. Your BB should be on the same sexual level as you. The main reason I have a BB is because he is great in bed. I don’t have time to weed through the good and bad bangers. I need to know that when he drops his trousers I am dealing with an anaconda not a garden snake. That’s the beauty of your BB; you can shop around a bit till you find the perfect one.

There are some cons to having a BB. The first is pretty easy to see. If you are banging a buddy you aren’t really leaving an option open to meet a boyfriend. I have no problem with this at the moment because the bearded New Yorker has taken the idea of love off the table for me yet again. If you are going to bang your buddy you have to remember just that. He is your buddy not your boyfriend. No getting jealous because he talks about how hot another girl is. She is most likely your friend and trust me he’s not doing it to get a rise out of you. He is doing it because he is a dude and they think with their cocks. If you want to be a good BB I suggest taking a page out of his book and start thinking with your vagina. Turn off the Fiona Apple, put on the new Deftones and start objectifying women and men right along with him. If you want a boyfriend to tell you are the most beautiful broad in the whole world then you are looking in the wrong place and you are not cut out for a bang buddy.

The main problem for bang buddies is thinking it is something it isn’t. Don’t fall in love, don’t try and date, but also don’t mistreat each other. You guys should be having fun and it’s never fun to get your feelings hurt. If you find yourself being mistreated you should move on. That’s the beauty of bang buddies, it’s not serious. If it gets to serious it’s time to move on. Fortunately for me my BB is perfection. I hope you single darlings can find a radical buddy to bang.

Kiss Kiss until next time babes,

Stella James

Presley Takes on the World

Single Sally vs. The World

Presley James

“The number of single people is growing everyday, making modern psychologists question the need for a serious relationship between men and women”

I’ve been sitting here thinking about why the word “single” is so scary to all of you out there in Relationshipville. It’s like we are a plague that you’re scared to catch. Well guess what, the only thing I’m going to give you and your boo is the truth.

I think those who are most scared of single Sally are all the men out there. Mostly the relationship guys; we have all lost many friends to them. When they first come around you are their best friend or their ticket to the cave of wonders. Who doesn’t want to know that their new bf can hang with the ladies. After they are in it’s like they start to get uncomfortable with the fact that they’re new love has a single bff. This is where things go bad. First they start to fix you up with every single douche bag they know. As if you didn’t have a list full of them in your little black book. Now if this doesn’t work you best believe you’ll start to see a lot less of your former friend Whorie Lori. Her man won and she is now bating on their team. You’ll be lucky to get a ladies night once a month. What is it about “ladies night” that is so intimidating? Let me tell you just because we are single doesn’t mean we are bringing our coupled up girlfriends out to hit on men. There’s already enough competition out there. I will be the first person to throw that bitch under the bus with a quick “you should probably call your boyfriend and check in” while the new meat are introducing themselves. So men don’t be scared that we are going to bring your ladies back over to the dark side. We are happy that she is happy and ecstatic that she is no longer our competition.

Now to the former friend, we are not jealous of your newfound love, but extremely happy for you as long as you can still hold a conversation with us without dry humping your new boyfriend in the middle of the bar. Dry humping at the bar should be reserved for blackout states and 21 year olds. I was not always a single. I was once in your ballet flats, married with children and if I didn’t have my single friends to live vicariously through I don’t think I would have made it 7 years. So don’t be upset I traded in my keds for stilettos. You know what else I’m sick of, the pity look I get every time I say I’m single. If people aren’t scared or threatened by you then most likely they pity you. I mean how could a girl my age be happy and single; don’t you want to find Mr. Right? The answer is no, I want to find Mr. Right now. I’m so sick of men being painted out to be these handsome bachelors and women are seen as old sphincters begging to get married. It’s not even women who prefer to be in a relationship, its men. There are many studies about this topic and all coming to the conclusion that men are most unhappy when single. I’m not saying that I don’t want to find my very own Romeo, just that I can be happy without him too. Welcome to 2010 where women can bang like men and walk around on their Louboutin’s with their heads held high. With that being said, can you please cut Single Sally some slack, we’re not that bad. Thanks for listening world!

Love,

Presley xoxo