Get Heart On

FRAUD

Stella James

I am such a fraud. What kind of shitty sex blogger doesn’t have sex to blog about? I am so disappointed in myself for not getting laid in well over three months and letting you guys down. I had to sit down and ask myself why the sex has left my life. Did I suddenly become unattractive? Have I lost my ability to charm the boys into bed? I mean what the heck?

I started thinking about my last sexual encounter and then it all came back to me. Sex didn’t give up on me, I gave up on sex. I would rather have no sex than bad sex and unfortunately the bad has seemed to outweigh the good this year.

Way back when I was fresh out of the old breakup I was drinking whiskey and a lot of it. I was out tearing up the town with my lady friends. Dancing, drinking, and flirting with bros. I mean c’mon don’t act like you all haven’t been there, it’s Huntington Beach for crying out loud. After 4 hours of bad binge drinking I ended up at a “friends” house with a dude that I wanted to bang since the 10th grade. He’s always been flirtatious and seemed like he would be a fun lay. So there we are taking shots and dancing in the living room like we were at a Crue concert. He was definitely too fast for love and I was drunk enough at this point to “accidently” swoop in for a kiss. I shouldn’t even say kiss. To say kiss would imply it was sweet and soft and that my friends it was not. It was sloppy and probably tasted like Jameson. Either way he was game and it wasn’t too long before we were in a bedroom kicking shoes off and tripping over each other’s feet. It starts to get a little hazy at this point there was some mediocre vagina licking on his end and then the final straw. I reach my hand down and to my disappointment I feel the smallest, limpest, most horrible penis in the world. I have never had the opportunity to see Gollum’s penis because New Sensations has yet to make a Lord of the Rings parody porno, but I imagine it would be something like that. Not quite sure if “10th grade crush” could sense my disappointment but he immediately spoke up with this lovely line, “Sorry it’s so limp, I did a line before you got here, I can just go down on you again.” This would be about the time when I laughed, swiftly put on my clothes, and proceeded to call a cab. After I got home and told my horrific tale to my friends, who opted to eat Del Taco and watch the Notebook instead of the “afterhours” party, I immediately took a shower to wash the 10th grade shame off my body. If only I could wash the memory out of my mind, unfortunately I am stuck with it forever. This memory haunts my mind every time I think about sexing up a good looking dude and because of it I’m forced to head to Target every 2 weeks for double a batteries. I’m sure my vibrator would like a break and I KNOW my vagina would actually like to feel a real penis but the fear of another Gollum dick has pushed me into celibacy. Like I said no sex is better than bad sex. Am I right or am I right?

That’s all for now interwebbers.

Kiss Kiss,

Scared Stella James