What came first the music or the misery?
Stella James
As I was putting together an epic Vegas playlist, I came across one that was not so up beat. It was titled High Fidelity, and when I saw it my heart sank into my stomach. I made it when Koenig and I broke up; Five songs that reminded me of him. Like a fool I decided to give it one more listen before deleting it. I would like to think that after all this time I would be smart enough to know that the person I was then is not the person I am now. As I listened to one heartbreaking song after the other I realized I haven’t necessarily changed for the better. Sometimes I think I am more neurotic now then when we met. By no means am I giving him credit for giving me an excuse to subconsciously destroy my chances of a normal relationship. It actually took meeting someone else to realize that what I do to lovers and friends is not ok. I have been dating for a long time and I always start every relationship off with the same approach. Let’s do this because it’s fun, when it stops being fun then we can move on. Unfortunately I get so scared to feel vulnerable that I push anything that may be fun far away for me. I will always burn you before you burn me. I don’t know why I can’t just give in a little and say, “Yep I like you, you make me happy and I have fun with you.” Instead I use act like an insecure whiskey fed lunatic. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. As of this moment I am going to be honest with myself and my lovers. No more insecure jealousy or alcohol induced rants, just real honest Stella. Let’s see if the juice is worth the squeeze. On that note, I promise to get your motors running with some sexual writing tomorrow. I’m thinking Oral? Have a good one Darlings.
Kisses,
Stella <3
Stella James
As I was putting together an epic Vegas playlist, I came across one that was not so up beat. It was titled High Fidelity, and when I saw it my heart sank into my stomach. I made it when Koenig and I broke up; Five songs that reminded me of him. Like a fool I decided to give it one more listen before deleting it. I would like to think that after all this time I would be smart enough to know that the person I was then is not the person I am now. As I listened to one heartbreaking song after the other I realized I haven’t necessarily changed for the better. Sometimes I think I am more neurotic now then when we met. By no means am I giving him credit for giving me an excuse to subconsciously destroy my chances of a normal relationship. It actually took meeting someone else to realize that what I do to lovers and friends is not ok. I have been dating for a long time and I always start every relationship off with the same approach. Let’s do this because it’s fun, when it stops being fun then we can move on. Unfortunately I get so scared to feel vulnerable that I push anything that may be fun far away for me. I will always burn you before you burn me. I don’t know why I can’t just give in a little and say, “Yep I like you, you make me happy and I have fun with you.” Instead I use act like an insecure whiskey fed lunatic. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. As of this moment I am going to be honest with myself and my lovers. No more insecure jealousy or alcohol induced rants, just real honest Stella. Let’s see if the juice is worth the squeeze. On that note, I promise to get your motors running with some sexual writing tomorrow. I’m thinking Oral? Have a good one Darlings.
Kisses,
Stella <3
High Fidelity
1. Ryan Adams “Come Pick Me Up”
2. Beck “All In Your Mind”
3. The Cardigans “Junk Of The Hearts”
4. Bob Dylan “You’re A Big Girl”
5. Tori Amos “China”
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